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Saturday, February 22nd, 2020

Time:3:38 pm.
@g

Thursday, January 17th, 2013

Subject:Мыльная опера под названием «Страховка квартиры от Balva»
Time:12:10 pm.
Наконец-то состоялась завершающая серия мыльной оперы под названием «Страховка квартиры от Balva». Краткое содержание предыдущих серий: исторически сложилось так, что в последние несколько лет страховку квартиры я оформляла в Balva, через знакомую пенсионерку. К сожалению, ее возрат все чаще дает о себе знать, поэтому я рассчитывала, что текущая страховка будет последней с ее участием, а потом я буду искать другие варианты. Однако, история получила интересное развитие событий, когда получив на руки оформленный полис, я обнаружила, что практически вся информация о квартире заполнена неправильно. Казалось бы, что может быть проще – откорретировать данные, распечатать заново и дело с концом. Но не тут-то было. Сначала в игру вступил склероз. Где-то месяца полтора я созванивалась с агентом примерно раз в неделю и каждый раз вежливо и терпеливо заново рассказывала ей что мне надо и какие данные надо поменять. Потом оказалось, что так просто данные откорректировать нельзя, надо аннулировать старый полис и оформлять новый. Еще на год. Поскрипев зубами, согласилась.

Прошло еще недели три созвонов, и агент наконец-то составила мне новый полис и позвонила вкратце рассказать про суммы и цену. Тут мое терпение таки подошло к концу, поскольку премия внезапно стала в полтора раза больше. На вопрос почему, мне удивленно заявили, что раньше у меня был застрахован только ремонт, а теперь и вся квартира тоже. Понятное дело, что это уже обсуждалось раньше и я изначально запрашивала полную страховку квартиры.

Окончательно охренев от таких известий, я на следующий же день посетила офис прекрасной компании, в целях аннулировать полис. Прям словно обратно в 90-е попала. Мне молча протянули бланк заявления, ни слова не упомянув о коммиссии при прерывании страховки, которая оказалась ни много ни мало 15% от страховой премии. Деньги мне выдали рядом в отдельной кассе, на просьбу о получении чека или квитанции, кассир озадаченно ответила, что они чеки не выдают (?!), и она может мне на бумажке сумму написать (!?). На этом месте меня начало разбирать веселье и покидала контору я уже истерически подхихикивая.

Мораль сей басни такова – далеко не всегда можно доверять и рассчитывать на знакомых :)
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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012

Subject:My dear Philip,
Time:7:49 pm.
It seems like the dreams about you being alive and well, but simply not caring about me anymore are going to become my favorite type of nightmare, to substitute the one where cats or people that are dear to be are falling out of the winrow. I guess, it's just another manifestation of my guilty conscience, going round and round about how much I've hurt you and that I'm a bad person, so it feels logical that you wouldn't want to care about me anymore. Or something. Seems like even in my dreams I'm so very angry with myself.
Oh well, I guess, as long as I get to dream about you at all, it's still all fine. You know, I never imagined the extent of pain I would feel if I ever found out that you don't give a crap about me anymore. Now, when I get to have a glimpse of that in my dreams, I have to realize how heartbreaking it is. Sometimes, it hurts almost as bad as the fact that you are dead. But I would still rather prefer it if you didn't have any feelings for me, but would be fine and healthy instead. I would be able to find happiness in that, at least, I'm sure, one way or another.
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Saturday, February 4th, 2012

Subject:Полезное из книги "Молчаливое горе: Жизнь в тени самоубийства"
Time:11:08 pm.
Один из ведущих современных американских суицидологов Норман Фарбероу следующим образом итожит эмоциональные переживания, свойственные выжившим после самоубийства близкого:
1. Интенсивное чувство утраты — переживание горя и скорби.
2. Гнев — из-за необходимости испытывать ответственность за случившееся.
3. Чувство разлученности — из-за того, что предложенная помощь была отвергнута.
4. Чувства тревоги, вины, стыда или смущения.
5. Облегчение, что исчезла раздражающе настоятельная необходимость в заботе или контроле за близким.
6. Чувство брошенности.
7. Появление собственных саморазрушающих тенденций.
8. Гнев, порожденный господствующими предрассудками, что случившееся является пренебрежением нормами социальной и моральной ответственности.

Разнообразные проявления гнева в виде злости, ярости, возмущения или раздражения встречаются очень часто у выживших после самоубийства близкого.
Они бывают направлены на конкретных лиц или учреждения, оказавшиеся безуспешными в усилиях спасти жизнь человека (на врачей, полицейских, спасателей), на всех окружающих (друзей и приятелей умершего, одноклассников или коллег, общество в целом), на самих себя, что упустили нечто важное для спасения, и, наконец, на самих умерших. Моя коллега — суицидолог из Любляны— рассказывала, что один из ее пациентов, отец совершившего самоубийство юноши, после окончания групповой терапии заявил: «Я и сейчас настолько рассержен на него, что если бы произошло чудо и он ожил, то, наверное, я бы растерзал его».

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Monday, January 9th, 2012

Time:5:08 pm.
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
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Saturday, December 24th, 2011

Subject:My dear Philip,
Time:2:46 pm.
You used to imitate the stereotypical horrible German English to make me laugh.
You made me a list of things that I did that made you happy.
We stood together under a landing plane that was flying very low above the ground, and you screamed that you loved me as loud as you could.
When you first told me that you loved me, you were so nervious, that you couldn't look me in the eyes, but rather had to put your head on my shoulder and then say the words.
You insisted that we'd always go to bed together, even if we are in different countries.
You loved giving me massages and you were very good at it.
You always tried to do what's best for me, even if it was hurting you.
Every time we parted at the airport, you couldn't help crying.
You loved taking photos and they all were beautiful. Taking photos of me made you especially happy and you loved those the most. You named the folder that contained photos of me "My beautiful Elina".
You knew that I loved your smile, so you tried smiling as often as possible.
You knew that I loved your eyes, so you made multiple photos of them, so that I could still glare into your eyes when we were apart.
You had beautiful curly hair and I loved stroking it.
You liked when I raised one eyebrow, it made you giggle.
You shared every little detail of what happened to you or around you every day.
You always tried telling me the truth, even if it was not in your favor.
When I visited you last time, you were late to meet me in the airport, because the train got delayed. And it got delayed because someone decided to commit suicide. And you were so annoyed by it, you were saying how lame and stupid that was, how it delayed people and made you miss catching me right at the arrivals gate, which is not good at all.
When I was leaving that time, we had to spend the night at the airport and you let me sleep on your lap, even though you had to go straight to university right after seeing me off.
You loved listening to music and you made a lot of people happy by performing youself.
You made us food, washed the dishes and cleaned up when I was busy working, because you wanted to make sure that we spend as much free time together as possible.
You couldn't spend half an hour near me without kissing me at least once.
When we walked or drove somewhere, you always hugged me or held my hand.
You brought me flowers and wrote me poems.
You were always happy to brag about me to everyone and you cared very much for even the tiniest present that I gave you.
You insisted on helping me carry heavy things, even though your legs were hurting a lot. As much as you could, you tried not to show me how bad it hurts. Only when I watched you in your sleep, could I guess the extent of the pain you are in.
You wrote me so many beautiful letters and you made me so many beautiful drawings.
You flew all the way here for two days just to surprise me on a Valentine's day. It was the most awesome Valentine's day in my life.
When I was in a tough financial situation, you were offering me help all the time, and when I refused, you'd force it on me in small doses.
You never got tired of telling me how beautiful do you think I am, how much you love me and how happy you are to have me.
You said that no matter how much I hurt you or say bad things to you, you will always love me and you will always forgive me.
You always needed to rationalize, to analyze and to make sense of everything.
When I was thoughtful, you'd randomly say "Happy panda!" and kiss me.
You'd put yohgurt on my nose and then kiss it away.
When we'd have video chats on Skype, you'd randomly grin and when I asked you what's up, you'd say "You".
When you'd briefly wake up at night, you'd sleepily tell me that you love me and fall asleep again. Most of the times you wouldn't even remember it in the morning and would be very amused when I told you about it.
You actually looked at all my kitty links and you liked them.
You counted days, hours and minutes until we'd get to meet each other again.
You loved dying my hair.
You gifted me an amazing photo album, filled with the photos that you made and romantic stories about us.
When we watched movies together at home, you always insisted that I'd sit on your lap, hugging me with one arm wasn't enough.
When visiting each other, we'd always have showers together and wash each other.
You'd tell me you loved me in all kinds of nerdy ways.
You had a slideshow of my photos as your desktop background.
You loved carrying me in your arms, be it around the house, outside, when we'd be taking a walk, or up the stairs to the third floor.
You used fork and knife to eat spaghetti and I'd make fun of it all the time.
I loved tickling you, because it made you giggle.
You sent me videos of yourself and things happening around you, so that I'd feel closer to you.
You didn't snore.
When you woke up, you'd always smile at me sleepily and happily and hug me closely.
You took me to IKEA, just so that I'd see how it looks and we happily agreed on every piece of furniture and decoration.
You took me to the world history exhibition and we spent half a day there, glaring at and discussing things, until we had to be ushered out, because the museum was closing.
You asked me once what my greatest fear was and I said failing to keep what I value most in life. And now I actually lost what mattered the most to me.
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Wednesday, December 21st, 2011

Time:10:30 am.
Those who are dead are not dead
They’re just living in my head
And since I fell for that spell
I am living there as well
(c)
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Time:1:19 am.
http://takingbreaks.blogspot.com/2011/02/14022011.html
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Tuesday, December 20th, 2011

Subject:My dear Philip,
Time:12:56 am.
I want you to know that I always respected and considered your decisions. I thought that if I give you complete freedom to act on your own pace about the moving, it will be more comfortable and relaxing for you and you won’t feel like you have to rush anywhere. I can see now that even though I tried to avoid it, it still took an emotional toll on me, because I always wanted things to fall into place as quickly as possible, for I was missing you very much. I became distant, because that was the only way for me to go on without pressuring you. But in the end it just backfired at the most inappropriate time. As a result, I was angry, worried, and scared when you tried telling me about your problems, and I didn't react the way I you wanted me to.
I couldn’t understand what was going on and it took me weeks to get a more clear picture of what is happening to you. But back then, there were so many things left unsaid and unshared and I just couldn’t grasp it. I tried to support you when you decided to stop talking to me, I could see how it would be easier for you that way. It was still very confusing and hard, I was very lost and didn’t know what to do or how to behave, so I tried to keep any communication that we had low on emotions, because I was afraid to hurt you even more. But I probably hurt you by doing that as well.

I should have phrased that email that I wrote you after I got back from Rome differently. Or I shouldn’t have written it at all. I just figured I should let you know that your letter took so long to reach me, so you shouldn’t worry about me not replying quickly enough, and that I’m there and I’m thinking and worrying about you. But, as usual, I failed at coming up with the right words.
You, on the other hand, always did your best to make me happy. You always cared and always found the right words to express yourself, to make me feel special, to explain things. You were never afraid to express your emotions, I was the one who was always struggling with that. I want you to know that every time we parted at the airport, I was crying inside, but I tried not to cry the actual tears, because then it would be even harder for us to let each other go. You are the most awesome person I’ve ever met. You were kind, honest, intelligent and generous. You were also gentle, loving, handsome, cute and lovable.

When you asked me to change my profile picture to a photo of me that you made, I should have told you that the actual reason why I didn’t want to do that was because I always thought of those pictures as something personal and intimate, that is only between you and me, something that you made specifically for me, and I wanted to keep them to myself. I don’t know why I never said that. I’m an idiot, I guess. After we broke up, I was trying to come up with all kinds of ways to make you happier, without agitating you too much. And changing my profile picture now seemed like the right thing to do. I thought that maybe if you ever get to see that it will make you smile and you will know that I'm still here and I'm thinking about you. But it was yet another mistake. That might as well have been the final mistake that made your condition so bad, that you decided to end it all forever. And now I've lost you and I will never forgive myself for that. And it's not even about me. It's about your family, relatives, friends, fellow students. They all are in pain right now and I feel responsible for it. You could have had such a wonderful life, you could have made an awesome scientist, taken thousands of great photos of happy people, invented something totally amazing and lived a happy and joyful life, if only you have never met me.

You always said that you are very afraid of disappointing me and in the end I did make you feel like you did, and that must have hurt you a lot. That might as well have taken away all your desire and reason to try and get better. That might have made you feel like nothing mattered anymore.
I'm so very sorry.
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Monday, December 19th, 2011

Subject:My dear Philip,
Time:5:50 pm.
I have so many things to tell you. I feel like I could just keep on talking. I only wish that you could hear me, but you can't. You will never be able to hear me again.
The other day I dreamt about you. We were together and about to go for a walk. And then I noticed that your right arm is missing below the elbow. I asked what happened and you said nothing servious, it was just a train. And then you got very upset and said "How am I going to hug you now?". But we solved this problem by me walking on your left, so you could still hug me properly, and we were both happy. In another dream I was at your place and we were back together. You weretalking to Philipp on Skype and I sneaked up behind you and hugged you closely,and we both were very happy. Another dream was about us sleeping together in my apartment, and I was hugging you closely and watching you fall asleep and you were smiling. I never want to wake up from those creams, but reality is a bitch. So when I wake up and realize that none of that is going to happen anymore, I cry. I keep on thinking about you and about what happened for days on end and it hurts, and if I think that it doesn’t hurt enough, I go and find some way of making it hurt more.
I keep on thinking that I could have done more. I could have sat on your doorstep and watched over you. I could have followed you around, and made sure that nothing happened to you. I could have contected your parents and told them to take you home. I also should have done less. I shouldn't have argued with you, I shouldn't have told you the things that upset you. I should have left you alone, just like you wanted me to. I should have ceased to exist. Instead, I did things that only made you worse, until you couldn't take it anymore. I guess, it's true that road to hell is carved with good intentions. I never wanted to hurt you, I never wanted you to suffer, I just wanted you to be happy and I tried to make you happy by doing what I thought would bring you happiness. But it all failed, I've made too many poor judgments.
I’m full of guilt and regret and this is slowly breaking me apart to think that I have failed you when you needed me so much. I’m still not sure that I can fully understand what you were going through, but I can surely relate to that. I now know how all those poetic words, such as heartache, heartbreak, unbearable pain and so on actually feel. I know how it is when you know you are hungry, but you still can’t manage to eat anything. I often just stop and stare at things for minutes, without realizing what I’m doing. Sometimes, the emotional pain becomes so intense, that I have to hurt myself physically, in order to distract my brain somehow. I hate myself with passion, I feel miserable and worthless, and I’m not trying to do anything to make it go away, I shouldn't be. I very well deserve to feel like this. I’ve made you worse than you already were and for that I want to suffer as much as it is possible. I actually want to feel at least as bad as you are feeling.
I love you.
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Subject:You
Time:10:45 am.
You were my love. You were my hopes and dreams and you were my inspiration. And now you are gone and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't understand. I don't know how or why I should find the strength to go on. I don't see any point in it. All I can feel is pain, regret and sadness. And I don't even want to feel anything else. You trusted me, you believed in me and I failed you. I failed you at the point when you needed me the most. I've caused you so much pain. I'm such a horrible person. I don't even deserve to exist. Why did I ever have to be born? Why did you have to meet me and fall in love with me? I made you happy and then I killed you. You tried telling me how bad you feel, but I didn't understand. I told you all kinds of negative things. I took your hopes for the better outcome away and I broke you. I will never be able to forgive myself for doing this. I tried to help you, but I've made so many poor judgments. All I cared for is for you to get better, but I just kept making you worse, until you couldn't take it anymore. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I shouldn't be, I can't be, I don't deserve it either way. I have to and I deserve to suffer for as long as I am.
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Wednesday, June 15th, 2011

Subject::: Зонтик от слова заесть ::
Time:3:12 pm.
Originally posted by aspida at :: Зонтик от слова заесть ::
Откуда только взялся. Вот это вот на палке, хитрый рот. Как раньше не было, и всё и хорошо, потом настал — так прямо и не знаю. Ты не бери его, давай, а то он длинный весь, и чорный и боюсь. Какое-то не знаю, так можно и понюхать, валяется когда, или в углу себе, и спит, но страшно всё равно, он, видел, как умеет. Ты не бери опять, же сколько раз бывало — берёшь, а он как сразу сляк, и хичить, там сбоку рот какой, ого, вокруг зубов, и в роте палка, и за руку хватает, сверху лезть, штоб голову кусать. Такой заесть бы мог, как пить — огромный весь, как если на полу, то и не обойти, и ждёт. Ты даже и большой, а всё равно он больше. А котов! Бы сразу мог и восемь бы заесть, а то и два ещё, нет, я не буду. Ты даже не зови, что на полу стоит, смотреть — нене, я ето знаю. Накинется, и поминай потом, и всех вокруг поест, и в миске, и запасы. И убежит других искать — ну, может, и не сразу. А ты с собой ево зачем берёшь? Наверно, других бы чтоб заел, и нас не трогал? А то стоит потом, молчит, наверно, сытый, мокрый весь — он штоли воду тоже пьёт? Наверно, жадный сильно, раз пил, что аж намок с боков, весь в воду лазил.

Тогда и хорошо, что рот большой, до миски не достать, наверно — нащолкает вокруг, напалкою натычет, а там и не залезть, тому что для котов. Вот так и поделом. А только жалко миску, которая большая, где в ванной и моя, туда-то влезет он, но там и пусть, всего не выпьет.

А может ты давай его забрось? Пойдёшь потом опять, когда ево кормить, ты подожди, и убеги тихонько — пускай себе заест, кого найдёт, и ходит де как хочет. А к нам не надо в дом, тут все своё едят, и нас заесть не надо. Ну или палкий спит пока, и рот закрыт, его забрать — он, может, крепко спит, как веник. Я веник даже ем, штоб знал себе, пока в углу стоит, а ты бы этот рот, забрал, и выкинул куда. Штоб проучить, и знал, как лазить к нам.

Ну или просто пусть сидит, не знаю, где-нибудь, не видно. Не надо это вот, такое, чтобы рот, и всех поесть хотел — я осуждаю очень.

_
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Monday, June 13th, 2011

Subject:Фото Второй Мировой Войны
Time:4:37 pm.
Подборка фотографий с тематического ресурса Waralbum.ru, который собрал на своих страницах много потрясающих и качественных снимков Второй Мировой Войны.Смотрите также Фотографии времён Второй Мировой Войны, 1941 год в черно-белых фотографиях, Оккупированный Киев(Всего 53 фото)
Источник статьи: http://bigpicture.ru/?p=162462
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Subject:История для ностальгирующих по СССР
Time:2:30 pm.
http://www.fresher.ru/2011/06/02/istoriya-dlya-nostalgiruyushhix-po-sssr/
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Subject:My tweets
Time:12:11 pm.
  • Sun, 13:56: RT @EwanMarshall: Just over 2 and a half hours to go. Lotterer's #2 Audi leads Pagenaud's #9 Peugeot, Minassian #8 Pug 3rd and Davidson' ...
  • Sun, 14:30: RT @Lemansrace: Here we go again. Gene is blocking the Audi. Nearly forcing him off the track. All Peugeot drivers have been doing the s ...
  • Sun, 15:49: Go Audi!
  • Sun, 16:10: Even after losing two cars Audi still wins their 10th Le Mans by 16 seconds, wohoo
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Thursday, June 9th, 2011

Subject:My tweets
Time:12:00 pm.
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Tuesday, May 24th, 2011

Subject:My tweets
Time:12:12 pm.
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Sunday, May 22nd, 2011

Subject:My tweets
Time:12:00 pm.
  • Sat, 22:16: Всё же как приятно иногда надеть костюм женщины и осуществить полноценный уход за лицом и телом. Вся такая приятная на ощупь и вкусно пахну
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Saturday, May 21st, 2011

Subject:My tweets
Time:12:00 pm.
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Friday, May 20th, 2011

Subject:My tweets
Time:12:00 pm.
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